Broken

No matter how tiny, a heart can still break. And mine did this afternoon. I had come home from work at about 5 am after starting my new shift, spent some time winding down, and went to sleep around 6 am. I was awakened by the phone around 11:30. When I rolled over to check the caller ID, I saw it was Momma Sue (BJ's mom) so I answered the phone. She apologized for waking me, because she knew that I should have been asleep then, and then asked if I could get a hold of BJ. At that moment, I knew something was very wrong. When she asked if I was sitting down, I began bracing for the worst. That's when she broke the news.
Our friend, Chris Baker, committed suicide early this morning in his house, just down the street from us. His grandmother found him not long before Momma Sue called me. When the call came into the police dispatch, the dispatcher on duty recognized the address, because she lives just across the street from us, and knew that she had to call Momma Sue.
I started to break down the moment she told me. I looked out the window while I was on the phone with her, and saw the fire truck blocking off access to the street, and saw the ambulance parked outside of his house, which he just recently finished remodeling and moving into. Trying to keep my head about me, I gave Momma Sue a number to reach BJ, and got off the phone so she could contact his bosses and have him sent home to be with the family. Just before she called me back, I heard a sound I've not heard in a very long time, and never has it hurt so much to hear it...I didn't even need to look to know exactly what it was - I heard the back doors of the ambulance slam. That's when I lost all control and sobbed until my body hurt. When Momma Sue called back, she told me BJ was on his way home, and asked if I wanted to come over. I couldn't be alone then, so I went to be with everyone else. Momma Sue called everyone who needed to know, and for the rest of the day, we all gathered at her house to just be together.
Over the course of the day, more information came to light, the details of which are very painful to talk about, so I'll forgo them. Without even knowing them, all that needs to be said is that I lost someone very close to me. Baker was a wonderful friend to BJ and me, he did so much to help us get settled in the new house, and we were always between each other's houses, just talking or hanging out. More than anything, he adored BJ's daughter, Addison. She is simply wild about him, and although we were supposed to have her this week, we decided it's for the best that she stays with her mother for the time being. Baker is the first person she asks for when she comes to visit...she loves him so much, and I don't know how to explain to a little girl that someone she sees as her best friend is gone forever. I don't think I can do it without crying, and neither can BJ, and we don't want to upset Addison.
Baker suffered from depression for years, and after a string of awful events in his life...well, I suppose he thought it was just too much. Maybe he thought it was all his fault. I don't know. That's the hardest part. Not knowing why. He didn't leave a note, so no one will ever know what was going on inside him then. No one will know if anything might have helped, or made him realize that so many people love him, and I think that's the saddest thing of all for me - that he just didn't know how many people care, or that he didn't think anyone really did care.
What Baker did was rash and selfish, I won't argue that. In fact, I'm angry at it. But, at the same time, I can't stop hurting because someone who has been so wonderful to me, BJ, Addison and the rest of the family is gone. It breaks my heart to think that I won't see his number on the caller ID, or hear him come through the door anymore. He won't be over for dinner, he won't be at Momma Sue's, we won't hear his truck on the street and we won't ever get to tell him "You matter to us, and we love you."
So, with a heavy, aching heart, I'm taking myself to bed. I won't sleep much, I know that. But, there's nothing else to do now but be here for his family and ours and remember that Chris Baker was a good man with a big heart who would have given the world to make his friends happy.