Critter Corbin rides again! Kinda...

A couple weeks ago, we got a new pet…kinda…
We had been finishing up rearranging the living room and bedroom, so we had just gotten everything situated where we wanted it. After finishing that up, we got ready to leave to go to BJ’s mom and dad’s house, and prior to leaving, BJ was checking his pockets and whatnot to make sure he had everything he needed. The door was standing open, and I was behind him and to one side, waiting. I happened to notice something move around our feet, so I glanced down and leaned to kick what I thought was the cable wire back out the door.
I stopped mid kick and all I could get out was “Uh…uh…uh….SNAKE!”
That’s right, a little baby garter snake had squirmed his way into the house, and was rapidly disappearing under the door, heading for the corner under the TV stand (which is where we keep Addison’s toybox). BJ, who is terrified of most snakes, did a hopstep away from the door and looked down saying “What what?!” I pointed to where the tail was slithering away, and he slammed the door closed, which kicked the squirmy little guy into warp speed, which isn’t very fast to a snake his size, and he promptly slipped under a tote full of Legos.
We stood there for a second, trying to take in the fact that we had a “pet” in the house, more specifically that we had something alive in the house other than us, and that we didn't invite it in! After we got our brains around it, we went to work trying to get him back OUT of the house, where he belongs.
You all know me and snakes: I love ‘em. BJ, however, HATES them. But, since this was a micro snake with no chance of killing him, he set out to get him out from where he was. BJ opened the door, and as he was lifting the million-pound box of Legos, I reached down to shoo him back toward the door and the outside world. Well, Old Smooth had other plans.
As soon as the box cleared his back, he went for the corner where all the cables and wires are tucked from the TV and everything. While BJ and I cussed the slithery little shit, we got down on all fours and started tugging at what we hoped were cords (because garter snakes are miraculously the same color as power cords and cables, especially in a poorly lit corner of a floor…), and finally found him hiding behind the power strip. This was about the time Old Smooth became ten-foot tall and bulletproof.
Once BJ tracked him to the wall, he shot into the corner in a small pile, reared up and looked at BJ as if to say “BRING IT!” I couldn't help but laugh, and BJ just kinda stared for a second and said “Oh, you arrogant little shit!” then resumed trying to coax him out of the corner.
Meanwhile, I’m on the phone with BJ’s mom, who had called in the middle of the snake-wrangle, and she’s cracking up at my play-by-play of BJ versus Old Smooth. BJ is alternating cussing and coaxing the snake, who is staring at BJ’s hand like a brave Chihuahua looks at a Great Dane – part of him was thinking “BITCH I WILL TAKE YOU APART!” and another part of him was screaming “DON’T SQUASH ME!”
Finally, just as I get off the phone with Sue, Old Smooth decides to cooperate. He started scooting along the wall ahead of BJ’s hand, and we were both so relieved that his stay with us would be short.
So on he slinks, toward the open door, when all of a sudden, he reroutes, and where does he go? Under the footplate of the front door! Whoever built/repaired this house has an asskicking coming from me to them, because we are livin’ so ghetto-tastic, it’s pitiable, and one of those qualities is that the footplate protrudes away from the doorstep, into the house, and is completely uncapped on both sides (at least, it was…but I’ll get to that in a minute…).
So BJ and I just stop and look at each other, stunned that Old Smooth has such an attitude for a harmless baby garter snake, and BJ gets an idea. He grabs a bottle of Mean Green Glass Cleaner with vinegar, sets it to stream and aims it for the side of the hole that Old Smooth disappeared into. He’s gonna squirt the little bugger outta there! Okay, fine, as long as we can have the house back to ourselves, I’m down with that…so I station myself at the other end of the footplate and wait to grab the little brat by the head. BJ fires off at least a quarter of the bottle into the hole…and no snake comes out the other side. All the excess glass cleaner seeped out from under the poorly-placed footplate, but no snake.
So, what’s the next logical course of action? Yank the footplate up and get the little guy outta there! BJ grabs the screwgun and goes to work on the screws, while I’m watching either side of the footplate to see if Old Smooth wants to try to make a quick escape on his own. No dice, for either hope. No sign of the snake, and as it turns out, they must have jackhammered one of those screws (the last one BJ got to, I might add…) into the footplate, because the bit was starting to strip out from trying to loosen the damn thing!
By this time, we’ve had it. Apparently, Old Smooth has balls, so he gets to stay…on OUR terms.
I grabbed three beer caps and handed them to BJ, who bent them (one in half, and the other two bent around each other) and grabbed a hammer to tap them into the holes of the footplate, thereby blocking all possible escape for Old Smooth. Even with all the commotion of tapping the caps into one side, it wasn’t enough to startle him out of there.
So we have a probably-dead snake under our footplate…in all fairness, he had plenty of chances to leave. He chose to stay, and we're pretty sure it cost him his scaly little life, which I admit to feeling bad about potentially taking. But, hey - he was on OUR turf, he can play by OUR rules, and our rules state “NO OUTSIDE CRITTERS UNINVITED IN THE HOUSE”.
All jokes aside (kinda)…no more critters for this Corbin!!