School Spirit - Go Team! I think...

As a former cheerleader/athlete, I'd like to think I know a little bit about school spirit. As a cheerleader, you can't spend three to four nights a week for several months over the course of five years screaming until your lungs collapse, working the crowd and the players into respective frenzies, and NOT be affected. At the same time, you can't push yourself to your own physical limits every night for several hours at a time and not feel a little pride in what you're doing.
In case any of you didn't know, I went to Paw Paw High School, and our mascot was the Pirate. I was, and am, proud to say I'm a Pirate! We might not always have won, but our teams played honest and clean, and the vast majority of players really gave it their all. By the time I got into high school sports, we didn't have an actual "mascot", meaning we didn't have anyone who wore a suit and stormed through pep rallies and games, keeping the crowd cheering. The last person I can think of who wore the Pirate costume was Brian Phillips, and that was long before my time...at least ten years or more, back when Ricky was a freshman. But, even without the presence of a physical embodiment of our mascot, I'd like to think we had some infectious school spirit, and a distinct sense of pride and connection. We all felt the glory of a win, or the sting of a loss.
Looking back on it, it was extremely easy to cheer my teams toward victory - Paw Paw Pirates just has a pretty nice ring to it, doesn't it? The syllabic composition and alliteration make it very vocal-friendly - easy to say (and scream) and memorable, and it made cheer-writing pretty simple. The pirate is also an easily-recognized mascot and symbol, so decals and decorations were made that much easier for us, as well.
Other mascots are easy to remember and cheer for, as well. The Berkeley Springs Indians, the Union Tigers, the Greenbrier Bobcats, the Burkburnett Bulldogs, the WVU Mountaineers (more WV pride coming out in me, I realize...), the Moorefield Yellow Jackets, the Bishop Walsh Spartans...the list goes on.
And that got me to thinking...some schools just aren't quite as fortunate. Take, for instance, the Musselman Applemen. We played against them for a number of years. Just thinking on the word "applemen" what comes to mind? An apple with legs? Their mascot actually resembled a pioneer. Then there was the Flintstone Aggies. I wondered for years what an Aggie was, until I finally saw their centercourt design - it's a large bull. Then, of course, there are some mascots that you just have to wonder, "Why?" Like the Hampshire High School Trojans. I know, I know, it's a Trojan warrior, an elite fighter...but it's also a prophylactic. You can imagine the hell those poor kids have gone through, with people flinging condoms at them during games... *cough* Keyser... *cough* A friend of mine went to school in Weatherford, TX, where the mascot is the Kangaroo. It was my understanding that a mascot was supposed to be an entity that meant something to the school, or something that strikes a sense of foreboding in the opponent. How many kangaroos do you see wandering through TX, and how scary are they (kangaroo boxing excluded...)? Let's not leave out the Syracuse Orangemen, a mascot that has yet to be identified as anything other than a Tribble with a hat and appendages...
So, with these things in mind, I went on a mission - I went hunting for the best of the worst, the worst of the best, and the most outrageous mascots I could find, limiting my search mainly to high school teams. There are several hundred more than I've mentioned here, but it would have taken me an eternity to write something for each and every one, so I chose my favorites and I've divided my findings into four categories. With images as evidence (when available), you'll see why when you read each entry.
So, without any further ado - Go Team! I think...

FAIL

Sidney Lanier High School, Montgomery, AL

Mascot: Poets

Who could refrain…?

Yuma High School, Yuma, AZ

Mascot: Criminals

THAT’S promising…wonder if they’re smooth?

Conway High School, Conway, AR

Mascot: Wampus Cats

A six-legged mountain cat? Slightly...“catty-wampus”? – BJ

Other schools:

Clark Fork High School, Clark Fork, ID

Itasca High School, Itasca, TX

Ribet Academny, Los Angeles, CA

Mascot: Fighting Frogs

Perhaps they “hop” grades? Or, maybe they get into a grade and “croak”… - BJ

Yuba City High School, Yuba City, CA

Mascot: Honkers

Apparently, it’s a goose…cause “Honker” sounds SO much more threatening than “Geese”…

Other schools:

Lakeview High School, Lakeview, OR

Fort Collins High Schol, Fort Collins, CO

Mascot: Lambkins

An ass-whoopin’ never looked so cuddly!

Avon Old Farms School, Avon, CT

Mascot: Winged Beavers

…yeah, I got nothin’ for this one…

Marvelwood School, Kent, CT

Mascot: Screamin’ Pterodactyls

Team spirit of Mesozoic proportions! - BJ

Cairo High School, Cairo GA (pronounced KAY-row)

Mascot: Syrupmakers

No…no, they didn’t… Oh, but they did…

Bowling Green High School, Bowling Green, KY

Mascot: Purples

If Grimmace and the Michelin Man ever had a baby…

Lawrence High School, Lawrence, KS

Mascot: Chesty Lions

Has the plushy/furry movement really come this far?

Estherville/Lincoln/Central High School, Estherville, IA

Mascot: Midgets

How, exactly, do they get away with this?

Other schools:

Putnam Co. High School, Unionville, MO

Dickinson High School, Dickinson, ND

McLaughlin High School, McLaughlin, SD

Hurley High School, Hurley, WI

Frankfort High School, Frankfort, IN

Mascot: Hot Dogs

Personally, I can think of few food items more frightening than a hot dog…and am I the only one with the sudden urge to sing “Let’s All Go to the Lobby?”

Delphi Community High School, Delphi, IN

Mascot: Oracles

This made my brain bleed a little…

Speedway High School, Speedway, IN

Mascot: Sparkplugs

Someone wasn’t quite firing on all cylinders, if you ask me. I suppose it’s better than naming their mascot the Drag Racers. Can you even imagine…?!

Poca High School, Poca, WV

Mascot: Dots

Al Bundy would be proud!

Archbishop Chapelle School, Metairie, LA

Mascot: Chipmunks

Of all the wildlife in the bayou, there is none more fearsome than the chipmunk, apparently…

Glen Burnie High School, Glen Burnie, MD

Mascot: Gophers

How is it that I was unaware of this one?! I feel several degrees of shame right now!

Other schools:

Grand Prairie High School, Grand Prairie, TX

Kingsford High School, Breitung Township, MI

Mascot: Flivvers

Um…what??

Watersmeet High School, Watersmeet Township, MI

Mascot: Nimrods

And, here I was hoping it would be a reference to Green Day.

Vassar High School, Vassar, MI

Mascot: Vulcans

Another potential pop culture reference squandered.

Shoals High School, Shoals, IN

Mascot: Jug Rox

I’m honestly at a loss for words, here…

Hoopeston High School, Hoopeston, IL

Mascot: Cornjerkers

Oh, for crap’s sake, why not just call ‘em the chicken chokers…

Cobden High School, Cobden, IL

Mascot: Appleknockers

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse…combining two silly boob references into one ridiculous mascot.

Centralia High School, Centralia, IL

Mascot: Orphans/Orphan Annies

It’s a hard-knock life for them…

Fisher High School, Fisher, IL

Mascot: Bunnies

This is actually is strangely terrifying.

Other schools:

Benson High School, Omaha, NE

Freeport High School, Freeport, IL

Mascot: Pretzels

Gives a whole new meaning to the term “snack attack”, doesn’t it? And this time, I give in – “Let’s all go the LOB-by! Let’s all go to the LOB-by…”

Lake Forest High School, Lake Forest, IL

Mascot: Caxy

And a “caxy” would be…?

Houghton High School, Houghton, MI

Mascot: Gremlins

Copyright infringement, much?

Other schools:

Karns City High School, Karns City, PA

Blooming Prairie High School, Blooming Prairie, MN

Mascot: Awesome Blossoms

This is what happens when you give steroids to plantlife...

Maryville High School, Maryville, MO

Mascot: Spoofhound

His name is Spoofy…go figure…

Bishop McGuinness Catholic High School, Kernersville, NC

Mascot: Villains

I think I’ll hold my tongue on this one…

Hamlin High School, Hamlin, TX

Mascot: Pied Pipers

Do they all get drunk before a game? It is Texas, after all…

The Webb School, Bell Buckle, TN

Mascot: Feet

Says something for the genetic decline in the area, I think.

WIN

Sleepy Hollow High School, Tarrytown, NY

Mascot: Headless Horsemen

Now how’s THAT for wicked?!

Brewer High School, Brewer, ME

Mascot: Witches (No image available)

It should come as no surprise that their colors are black and orange

The Doane Stuart School, Albany, NY

Mascot: Thunderchicken

It takes some SERIOUS testicular fortitude to have a mascot like that!

Hatboro-Horsham High School, Horsham, PA

Mascot: Mad Hatters

Wonder if THEY know why a raven is like a writing desk?

Marion High School, Marion, SC

Mascot: Swamp Foxes

Now THAT’S patriotism! Rock on!

REALLY…?

Butte High School, Arco, ID

Mascot: Pirates

…why do I get the impression I’ve seen this on Beavis and Butthead?

Anaconda High School, Anaconda, MT

Mascot: Copperheads

Makes you wonder if they’ve ever read a National Geographic, doesn’t it?

Roosevelt High School, Minneapolis, MN

Mascot: Teddies

Patriotism at its finest, right there!

The Bryn Mawr School, Baltimore, MD

Mascot: Mawrtian

…wonder if his name is Mawrvin…

Venice High School, Venice, CA

Mascot: Gondoliers

…this one’s just a little painful…

New Braunfels High School, New Braunfels, TX

Mascot: Unicorns

Aneurysm in progress…

Effingham High School, Effingham, IL

Mascot: Flaming Hearts

I just have to wonder why and how they came by this…

OMG

This one was too good to be true, but it is, I swear! Look it up, I dare you! This outranks every mascot in the previous three categories!

University of Northern Colorado, Greeley, CO

Mascot: Fightin’ Whities

I, literally, almost peed myself...and you know you did, too!